Who am I?

It's been a long long time since we last updated this blog, dirt and dust have gathered to a huge pile here i guess. During this period of MIA, lots have happened and lots have changed. Change to an extend that I think I am lost in the wilderness.

Lil' Gerald is 4.5mths old now, he's getting a lot more cuter and rounder and definitely naughtier. He has added alot of laughter to us and sometimes alot of tears as well. He has definitely changed our lives around totally. But without him in us, our lives will not be complete either. Sometimes I do wish that time will reverse and we were back to the "just the 2 of us", but on the other hand, isn't having Lil' Gerald is our all time desire? All I can say is, whatever we have now is the best that we can ever ask for, it's all about adjustment. Whole lot of mixed feelings and a whole new phrase of life totally. Nonetheless, we love Lil' Gerald with all our heart. Btw, we dedicated our Lil' Gerald to the Lord on 27 Mar '10. The proudest moment for us so far.

As for me, things have changed. People said changes are good and always for the better, but somehow I dunno about my situation at all. Yes, having an additional one is definitely a good change. But the process of adapting and all, I am not so sure. These changes are scary for me, so much so that I felt that I have lost my entire self and I dunno who I am now. I always asked, where's the brave and garang girl in me, where's the "that's nothing impossible" in me, where's the "I can do anything and everything" in me? All these seems to have disappear and suddenly I just feel lost, lost in the wilderness. Where's the independent lady in me? I begin to hate the new me. Why is the new me so full of tears, fear and loneliness? I just can't seem to survive a day without company. Felt so useless and hopeless at times.

I seems to be inconvenient everyone in my family, that I think I have make everyone so unhappy and upset. They seems to be arranging their lives around me, so that i will be happy. But that's not what I want. I dun want to inconvenient others and make them unhappy, I dun want them to say it's ok and look perfectly alright when it's not ok at all. But what can I do? I want to break away from all these, but i simply can't do it at this point in time. All the help that I get, I really appreciate and I can't be more grateful. But the last thing I want to see is pple getting angry or frustrated at me. There are times I felt angry... angry that why are they angry with me when they willingly want to help. But what can I do... all I can think and tell myself at that point is it's because I am useless that I can't depend on myself, so I can't blame others for showing me the "face".

Running away from reality? Is this the root of the problem? But I am not shrinking responsibility... i want to take full responsibility and I want to be in control. I felt hurt, hurt to the max when this comes from someone so dear and close to me, that i love so much. I can't help but to condemn myself, that I am so useless. Why did I bring life to the world when i can't even handle my own life. I felt so upset and heartbreak when someone is angry with me, I am the cause of their anger, unhappiness, inconvenience, losing their own agenda in life all because of me.

Is this what I want? No! But what can I do? I know, pick myself up, find back the old me, the brave, independent, nothing is impossible girl. But where am I? Where do I find me? I am losing it, losing it all... Life is just a routine now, I felt like a robot, a useless one though. No friends, no one to talk to, just like a hermit sometimes. Loser.