Who am I?

It's been a long long time since we last updated this blog, dirt and dust have gathered to a huge pile here i guess. During this period of MIA, lots have happened and lots have changed. Change to an extend that I think I am lost in the wilderness.

Lil' Gerald is 4.5mths old now, he's getting a lot more cuter and rounder and definitely naughtier. He has added alot of laughter to us and sometimes alot of tears as well. He has definitely changed our lives around totally. But without him in us, our lives will not be complete either. Sometimes I do wish that time will reverse and we were back to the "just the 2 of us", but on the other hand, isn't having Lil' Gerald is our all time desire? All I can say is, whatever we have now is the best that we can ever ask for, it's all about adjustment. Whole lot of mixed feelings and a whole new phrase of life totally. Nonetheless, we love Lil' Gerald with all our heart. Btw, we dedicated our Lil' Gerald to the Lord on 27 Mar '10. The proudest moment for us so far.

As for me, things have changed. People said changes are good and always for the better, but somehow I dunno about my situation at all. Yes, having an additional one is definitely a good change. But the process of adapting and all, I am not so sure. These changes are scary for me, so much so that I felt that I have lost my entire self and I dunno who I am now. I always asked, where's the brave and garang girl in me, where's the "that's nothing impossible" in me, where's the "I can do anything and everything" in me? All these seems to have disappear and suddenly I just feel lost, lost in the wilderness. Where's the independent lady in me? I begin to hate the new me. Why is the new me so full of tears, fear and loneliness? I just can't seem to survive a day without company. Felt so useless and hopeless at times.

I seems to be inconvenient everyone in my family, that I think I have make everyone so unhappy and upset. They seems to be arranging their lives around me, so that i will be happy. But that's not what I want. I dun want to inconvenient others and make them unhappy, I dun want them to say it's ok and look perfectly alright when it's not ok at all. But what can I do? I want to break away from all these, but i simply can't do it at this point in time. All the help that I get, I really appreciate and I can't be more grateful. But the last thing I want to see is pple getting angry or frustrated at me. There are times I felt angry... angry that why are they angry with me when they willingly want to help. But what can I do... all I can think and tell myself at that point is it's because I am useless that I can't depend on myself, so I can't blame others for showing me the "face".

Running away from reality? Is this the root of the problem? But I am not shrinking responsibility... i want to take full responsibility and I want to be in control. I felt hurt, hurt to the max when this comes from someone so dear and close to me, that i love so much. I can't help but to condemn myself, that I am so useless. Why did I bring life to the world when i can't even handle my own life. I felt so upset and heartbreak when someone is angry with me, I am the cause of their anger, unhappiness, inconvenience, losing their own agenda in life all because of me.

Is this what I want? No! But what can I do? I know, pick myself up, find back the old me, the brave, independent, nothing is impossible girl. But where am I? Where do I find me? I am losing it, losing it all... Life is just a routine now, I felt like a robot, a useless one though. No friends, no one to talk to, just like a hermit sometimes. Loser.

A Day Alone with Gerald

Yes, I was alone with bb on tuesday. Well not the entire day but from 8am to 4pm. :) It's a pleasant experience and I was surprised that bb was so co-operative that day. Probably he knows that mummy was alone with him in the house and mummy was stressed up and amxious for having left alone with him for so many hours, and his fav popo was far far away across the causeway. After his morning feed, bb slept from 8am till 11am, only woke up for his feed then after that went back to sleep in his "nest" till 1.30pm. Auntie May and Reuben kor-kor came to visit bb, but he juz happily slept his way through till his next feed at 4pm. Well, juz in time for popo to come back to hear his hungry cry. I got to praise myself for being successful coz there's no hiccups and bb didn't cry other than feeding times. :)

Gerald is growing bigger and older each day. He begins to recognise voices and people, this smart boy sure knows who can be bullied and who can't. Haha! Each day when daddy comes back, he knows how to let out a small whine to catch daddy's attention. Definitely melt my man's heart.

Next challenge is to bring bb home and look after him alone at night (w/o mum's help). Looking forward to that in the new year of 2010. :)

A new journey

Gerald is 1 month old now, 34 days old to be exact as of today. It's been a bitter sweet journey so far and I am looking forward to every new day. It's a miracle and what a pleasant journey God has brought us through since the day Gerald was concieve in my womb. The day I gave birth to him, no words could describe the beautiful moment when my eyes first set on him and nothing can describe the process of delivering him out into the world. Like our previous post, we have no words except Thanks to the gynae, nurses and definitely God.

Gerald was still so tiny when he came home on 15 Nov, i still rem how I didn't really dare to carry him and how i will always popped into his room to see how beautiful he looked when he was sleeping in the cot. When he cries, how my heart breaks and felt so lost becoz i do not know what he wants. And when he was admitted back into the hospital for jaundice, I cried buckets becoz I miss my lil darling so much. I can't wait to have him back home on the friday he discharged. Thank God for the healing and definitely my own healing as well. Gynae said I need at least 6 weeks to recover becoz of the deep wound and long tear, but amazing I recovered almost fully by the end of 3 weeks.

As Gerald grows everyday, I keep taking photos as I do not want to miss out or forget his growth even though he's only barely 1 month old. He begins developing habits and even started to show emotions, all I have to do is to keep guessing what he wants. There's the joy of feeding him, patting him to sleep and changing his diapers. Then begins our journey of sleepless nights. I begin to be so sensitive to him that whenever he cries I will juz jump and give him all my attention. No matter how soft his cries were, I will definitely hear it. I know exactly each night what time he will wants milk and whether the confinement nanny gave to him at once. I was preparing myself for his full month and I will take charge fully when the nanny leaves.

Sat, Gerald finally turns 1 month and I was looking forward to this day. I packed my bag or rather his bag and prepared him to meet the world. Brought him to his grandparents' place (both maternal and paternal) and of course, we went to church! I definitely missed church. I am glad Gerald seems to like the nursery as well. I must said that he's rather well-behaved except for a couple of times where he didn't like what he hear and when mummy doesn't want to bao bao him. Yesterday, we brought him out for a lil outing again. This time to meet mummy's ex-colleagues. Short outing but I know he enjoys it. I am counting down each and every day to his growth, I am looking forward to more outings with Gerald.

Of course, during these 34 days, there were times where I felt like I am gg into depression but I got to say there are more happy times that outweighs every other thing. Just by looking and carrying my lil darling, just erases all the negative feelings and unhappy events that had happened. As for now, all I can say is Gerald is my everything and he's mine and daddy's greatest treasure on earth. I love my family!

Week 2

Oh its been 16days journey on since Boy Boy Gerald arrival bang into this world and he's been everchanging, in terms of looks, behaviour & voice.. must be so typical of a boy. more handsome now, have been taking lotz of fotos and behavious wise, very un-willing to sleep unless someone carries him or shakes him on the sarong. Wah looks like a tough time for both of us, to rotate taking care of gerald when confinement lady is gone...
Thats how the saying comes about - Sleep while your child is asleep

But really looking at him everyday really makes our heart warm and melt at the same time - Really this is a miracle boy from God. Chidren are a gift and heritage from Heaven above.
Its like a real reflection (physical representative o what we have been praying for....) Big Big eyes, sharp nose, small mouth, double eyelids.. The next Brad pitt hahaha... Or Yao Ming -- he's got really long legs, about the length of his body... ' _ '
I wish no need to think about retirement. all provided for.. MORE THAN ENOUGH

Well just wish baby would be healthy and sleep when he needs to.. after eating,burp ! Burp ! okok time to nap man... and realised that when babies want milk or attention, they really mean it NOW.. NOW !!! 1 sec late and you are finished... can't leave them unattended or cry for long, will develop colic.. haiz, they surely have a way to capture our attention. Let's us not be weary in doing good, press on and we'll see the light in the tunnel. In years to come, all these works would be worth the sweat, effort and bear fruits of our labour.

Finally Its OUT

Finally what we have been reciting and praying every night : " Big Big eyes, sharp sharp nose, small small mouth with long eyelash, with double eyelids and lots of hair, that how our Gerald look like... " Wow, its so amazing to see God's wonderful hand at work in our lives at this moment, how He foreknew Gerald before he was conceived inside Mummy and how He provided a miracle seed in our lives and now is the time to mature this life to fruition. 

He does really look like Mummy, and when he popped out, we were like, his legs are comparatively as long as his body. - Daddy Genetics.. Yippeee.. and as long as the sitching went on for Mummy, his high pitched screams follow suit. Adorable rosy cheeks and big eyes was really a sight to remember forever. Mummy did went thru 38weeks of vomitting, shopping, Mac fries, lots of potatoes and long kicks and punches everyday of pregnancy which couldnt match up to the initial overwhelming sense of jubilation she sense when gerald popped after 12hrs of laboring. 

I wouldnt know.. Only exclusively the  to one and only brave Mummy Priscilia.. !!! (Yipee Hurray.. ) 

Thank you Lord for giving us miracle Gerald and Mummy for wonderful & sacrificial Mother love that cannot be exchange for anything in this world. 

Just an after tot that I'm would be quite sensitive to color of BRIGHT red now, abstain from eating" Kuek Zap " as a result of seeing too much placenta. But Generally its a joy and blessing to see this cheeky Boy (don't know yet...) out and realise we have so much more to do in this life. (he tot he could trick us with 2 cases of false contradictions in MAH too - I wil deduce his medisave in future)

Red Bull & starbucks  --- Here I come. 

 

typing this while waiting to sleep in the hospital. Had contractions last night and was admitted into hospital at 2am in the morning. Started at 9pm while shopping at Junction 8 but thought it was gastric pain. Only suspected that it was contraction when the pain was in intervals and stretched all the way to the back and slowly down the spinal cord and tummy. Was put on drip to stop active labor and given a jab to ensure baby's lungs are developing faster and good. The jab was painful, and having a needle poked and leave it on my left hand was a horrible feeling. But the nurse was good and everything was done w/o much pain.
'
Dr Ang said 35 weeks is abit early for bb to come out, so he's trying to get bb to hang in there for another 2 more weeks till it pass the 37 weeks mark. So bb, be a good boy ok. You have tested the reaction of daddy and mummy and is assured that now we know what exactlyis contractions and time taken for me to reach hospital is 20mins. Well under controlled. :)

Thought I could go home tonight but Dr Ang said since charges will be the same as discharging tmr, he will like to have me stay 1 more night and see him tmr morning before gg home. So here I am, alone in the 4 bedded w/o darling for once. Darling wants to stay and sleep at the visitor lounge but i wanted him to go home and have a good rest so he can take care of me when i get home. Won't want him to overwork his body. So seems like these 2-3 weeks, I am kind of "bed-ridden" and grounded at home. Haiz, have to cancel my high tea session with ex-colleagues on Monday. So sad. :( I shall be good gal to ensure bb comes out in good health.

last friday

yes, it was a good day last friday. :) We went on a date, finally! Yes, it's been ages and I can't even remember when was the last time we dated each other. Since I got pregnant, dating was not on our list anymore. This is all due to the morning sickness, the sicko feeling and the tiredness most of the time. Of coz, dearie's work was also a factor as he was really busy for the past 6months and most of the time felt super tired after work. Let alone he has to take over the household chores after I was preggie. But after all these, yes we went on a date last friday! Hehe.

Dear fetched me from home after work and we went to Admiral Grill & Bar juz at our place here in Sembawang. It was a really nice chill out place and I will say pretty good food too, price was reasonable as well. We ordered ribeye steak and lamb culets... and tried their famous chicken wings in spicy sauce. It was all so good. I had the steak well done and wasn't expected it to be tender but oh it was so tender that i got to comment that I nvr had a well done steak taste so good before. Darling's lamb culets was almost to perfection as well. The chargrilled taste, the fats of the lamb and the tenderness of the lamb... we can only describe it as fantastic and all delicious. Not to mention the chicken wings... they have 3 level of spiciness and we chose level 1 coz nvr try before and dunno what to expect so better be safe. But i tell u, for a chilli lover like me, I do find level 1 spicy. So if u are not a very good chilli lover, level 1 is pretty good. Dear almost got tummy upset after the chicken wings. All these didn't cost us too much... including drinks, nice customer service and atmosphere, it comes to a total of $63. Not too bad i will say.

The place is nice for fellowship. Though small, we reckon prob the whole place can only accommodate 50 pax. But it's cozy and perhaps a make shift place like dempesy hill. Quiet and being up on a hill, it's pretty windy as well. We were impressed by the services and the lady boss is very friendly. It's like a family. Perhaps, we should make a trip there with some close friends before my little one popped. Hehe.

p/s: wanted to post photos... but somehow the bluetooth seems to fail on me again. :( Will try again soon.